At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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