When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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