who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
