Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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