Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
