I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
