I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
