I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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