dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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