The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
