Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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