I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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