I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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