the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
