i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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