It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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