i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
