ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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