So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize