So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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