You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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