No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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