so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Come see our sink grown plant.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
