My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
