Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
