Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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