I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
