If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
