you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize