You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
