It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
