Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
