guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
