Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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