She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
How's work?
Spinning.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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