HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
