does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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