I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
