the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
