And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
