I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
