My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
this is an emotional support booty call
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize