Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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