I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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