Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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