My Higher Power is John Stamos
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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