Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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