I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize