Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
