somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
