I look better un-naked...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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