1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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