So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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