Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize