I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
COCAINE IS GR8
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
