I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
