dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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