u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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