He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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