Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
