there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
