I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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