chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
