If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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